Trustship, Part Two

Building Stormproof Relationships

Gary S. Shunk, LCSW

Last month, we started our discussion of how to help clients navigate the waters of the financial storm we’re all weathering. Many of your clients are experiencing high levels of anxiety as the integrity of their financial plans is jeopardized. This month, we’ll continue our discussion of what I term, “trustship”––the tangible experience of firm and flexible relationships that do not break in crisis, confusion, or mistakes. In order to build trust with clients, you need to understand how they are impacted by anxiety. By understanding your client’s anxiety, you can build a stronger relationship that ultimately leads to trust. Trust is based on empathy, which is where we continue our discussion.

Empathy

Like the concept of trust, we all have a degree of familiarity with empathy. Empathy is the capacity to walk in the other person’s shoes. We intellectually understand the idea, but the actual practice of empathy feels uncomfortable and therefore gets labeled as a “soft skill.” Judging empathy as a touchy, feely behavior pushes the skill down and keeps trust in short supply.

The first empathy behavior is to slow down the interaction. Since anxiety is fueled by speed, an advisor must listen without urgency. The second empathy behavior is to temporarily put the agenda aside and pay specific attention to the emotional energy in the conversation.

The realm of emotion is often thought to be chaotic, but in truth, an empathy interaction actually follows a very reliable and predictable order:

• The listener decides to pay attention to emotion
• The listener asks questions and exhibits patience
• The listener confirms understanding
• The listener communicates respect

Sometimes the emotion in the room is very simple and the empathy interaction goes swiftly. For example, the client is happy and eager to get to work. Instead of jumping into the task, the advisor takes a moment to be patiently curious. Is it general happiness or has something specific happened to boost the spirit? This interaction usually concludes with an honest smile from the client. It is easy to undervalue this positive exchange and skip directly to the work. However, the time taken to acknowledge the true emotional energy builds the relationship. The client feels genuinely cared about and will be more open and forthcoming in the meeting.

Sometimes the emotion in the room is difficult and sabotages the planning agenda. Does the client feel resistant? Are they indecisive? Complaining? Are they arguing a point that you thought was settled? In this circumstance, the advisor must switch focus and move the client into an empathy interaction. Would a ship captain ignore a leak in order to stick to his daily routine? No. The wise advisor will name the energy in the room, adjust or table the planning agenda, and attend to the confusion with skilled empathy questions.

Like any skill, empathy behavior gets easier with practice. The advisor and client become familiar with the routine as trust equity builds. The ironic bonus to patient empathy behaviors is the added speed it brings to planning. Taking the time to address the emotional energy keeps the conversational content out in the open.  This prevents unspoken objections or confusions from becoming intractable problems later down the road. The return to the planning agenda is enhanced because the advisor and client clear priorities during the empathy exchange. 

What Can the Advisor Do?

First, you need to make an inner agreement that attending to trust will benefit your practice. If the attempt to practice empathy is not grounded in honest intentions, your client will feel manipulated.

Second, build a repertoire of questions that enhance empathy. Some of these questions are interior queries that you ask yourself in order to refine your ability to focus on another person.

Here are some questions to ponder as you prepare your empathy skills:

• Do I recognize the emotion my client is currently conveying to me? 
• Is the emotion quiet or strong?
• Are they disappointed, frustrated, excited, numb, sad, confused, etc? 
• What questions can I ask to invite them to describe their reality more completely?  How can I communicate I understand what they have told me? 
• Am I truly paying attention? 
• Do I feel impatient and want to hurry the conversation? 
• How can I slow my own reactions down and keep my focus on my client? 
• Do I want to jump in and “fix” their feelings? 
• How can I remind myself I am building trust and therefore my goal is to “understand” rather than to “fix?”

Here are some specific phrases you can use to start the conversation:

• "Can you tell me more about that?"
• "What has this been like for you?"
• "How has all of this made you feel?"
• "Let me see if I've gotten this right..."
• "I want to make sure I understand what you've said..."
• "Sounds like you are..."
• "I imagine that must be..."
• "I can understand that must make you feel..."

Remember, first and foremost, you must be trustworthy in order to build trust equity. Pay attention to your own behaviors. Remind yourself of the following:

1.           Trust requires action from me.

2.           I can listen even when it’s uncomfortable.

3.           It is worth taking time for the other person’s agenda.

4.           I speak the truth even when I am wrong.

There are three stages in which to practice trust behaviors: (1) establishing trust with your clients; (2) building trust equity over time; and (3) restoring trust during challenges. 

Establishing Trust:

• Analyze your usual new client routine.
• Add time for empathy behaviors into your agenda:
• Start the meeting with a patient personal exchange.
• Keep your radar tuned to the energy in the conversation. If emotion rises, apply empathy.
• End the meeting with a patient personal exchange.
• Record your insights and plan a follow-up question for the next meeting.
• Improve with each interaction.
• Seek advice from colleagues who are skilled at empathy.

              Building Trust Equity:

• Decide not to get lazy about integrating empathy into your practice.
• Review your notes before each meeting.
• Follow the steps above for establishing trust.
• Periodically ask your client if there is anything you might have missed.
• Surprise your client periodically with a personal note.

Restoring Trust During Challenges:

• Begin empathy. Even if a client has left, you can send a follow-up message that displays personal caring and offers an opening for a more empathic routine.
• Listen with patience, remain calm, acknowledge and show respect.
• Be trustworthy. Accept and correct your mistakes. Apologize if appropriate.
• If necessary, seek help from a trust expert.
• Be disciplined and courageous about building your relationship skills.

The Big Opportunity

The most effective and long-lasting advisor/client relationships are those that comprise a collaborative alliance or partnership. This dynamic comes about when there is a calm “non-anxious” presence guiding the conversations. In times of financial upheaval, the foghorn of anxiety announces itself boldly and provides the advisor with clear feedback about the state of trust in the collaborative partnership. How will you react? Will you feel anxious yourself? Or can you see this anxiety as an opportunity to grow your business?

The Captain of a ship maintains trust by taking daily and equal care of the ship and crew. Yet, the true test of the Captain comes during storms and unpredictable trials. Think for a minute about the stories people tell. People “chat” about the regular routines of their day but they tell “stories” about the unusual events. Reputation-building stories and stories of strong relationship focus on the way in which a crisis or conflict drew people into a tighter bond. From this angle, any financial crisis can become an opportunity rather than an anxiety “storm.” The trustworthy advisor anticipates and actively pursues the information anxiety can reveal. Drawing a client into trust conversations can uncover undiscovered values and clarify underlying confusions.

The greatest benefit to practicing empathy is the emotional intelligence gained. Every interaction improves insight and changes future behavior. This increase in self-knowledge and conversational ability leads to tangible improvements in every planning endeavor. Building more trustworthy relationships improves the quality of life for everyone involved. 

Gary Shunk is a Family Business Consultant, Executive Coach, Keynote Speaker, and expert on the psychology of wealth. He speaks and consults nationally to families of wealth and the advisors who serve them on the emotional dynamics of money. 

Gary has over 20 years of experience in the fields of psychology, family therapy, organizational consulting, and leadership development. He has published articles in “Private Wealth Magazine” and “The Wealth Management Exchange,” and been quoted in The New York Times, Private Asset Management, Investment News, ABC News, and Radio New Zealand LIVE. 

Gary is a certificate holder in Family Wealth Advising and Family Business Advising with the Family Firm Institute. He is a licensed psychotherapist with an MSW from the University of Illinois, and maintains a private practice in Chicago. Gary is also an Associate in the Family Business Center of Loyola University in Chicago. His website is: www.wealth-pscyhology.com